


I Keep Holding On

by femmetrixiefranklin



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy, Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Modern Era, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-06-09 10:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15265530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femmetrixiefranklin/pseuds/femmetrixiefranklin
Summary: Two young women who have struggled with their families and their identities all their life eventually find solace--and more--in each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is the first fic i've written since i was fourteen! anyway, i've had ideas for this since last year and my friends finally convinced me to publish it. i've decided to keep it fairly simple (as simple as anything war and peace can be) and include elements from both great comet and w&p. the first few chapters are kind of short, but they'll eventually get longer.

Sonya Rostova wasn't born a Rostova, but can't remember a time when she wasn't. After her parents were killed in a car accident, family friend Ilya Rostov and his new wife Natalya took her in to raise as one of their own--or as close to one of their own as they wanted to. Ilya and Natalya were never Papa and Mama to her, but Uncle and Auntie. Natalya had two children from her first marriage, Vera and Nikolai. Ilya had one child from his first marriage, also named Natalya, but fondly called Natasha even before she met her stepmother. Sonya is two years older than Natasha, and they have been best friends since the beginning. Sonya doesn't remember the day she officially came a Rostov, but Natasha remembers it well. It doesn't really matter much to either of them anyway, since neither can remember a time where they weren't sharing a bedroom, sharing secrets, and sharing clothes.

Mary Bolkonskaya grew up in a house with no television, no landline phone, no computer, and no mother. Her brother Andrey had three years with their mother. Mary had three days. Their father is very rich, but lives a rather simple life in an enormous old house dating farther back in his family than he cares to trace. Mary and Andrey grow up schooled at home by various tutors hired by their father. They go to church every Sunday. Both Bolkonsky children take their faith very seriously. They take their studies very seriously. They take their family life very seriously. The house staff at the Bolkonsky home have never met two graver children.


	2. Chapter 2

When Natasha Rostova turns six, her parents say they'll buy her a puppy. Two out of her three older siblings also received puppies when they were younger. Sonya didn't. "Why doesn't Sonya have one?" Natasha asks her parents.  
Their response? "Sonya isn't a real Rostov sibling. Just a cousin." When they say this, they don't know Sonya is standing in the doorway, patiently waiting for Natasha to finish speaking to her parents.  
That night, Natasha tells her, "It's ok, we can share the puppy, and you get to pick the name. And you're my sister, no matter what anyone says."  
Sonya cries out of gratitude, happiness, and a touch of loneliness. This isn't the first time she hasn't felt like a real Rostov, but it's the first time she's heard it out loud.

Mary Bolkonskaya is eight years old and she has one friend from Sunday School, Julie Karagina. Mary and Julie are as close as two young girls can be. Julie goes to a local private school, and spares Mary no details about recess, timed math tests, and cafeteria food. Mary doesn't want to go to school for any of those reasons, but so she can spend more of her time with Julie. Her father says no. "Are the tutors I pay so much for not good enough for you?" he shouts.  
"No, I just want to go to school with Julie," Mary says quietly. She is blinking back tears.  
"Don't cry over this," he shouts after her as she shuffles out of his study. "Don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about."


	3. Chapter 3

When Sonya is nine, her parents gradually stop talking to a family friend, Marya Dmitrievna. Sonya doesn't know it yet, but it's because Marya came out as a lesbian and left her husband. Sonya does not know what a lesbian is. She hasn't even heard the word before. Vera and Nikolai know why their parents have stopped talking to Marya, and it makes perfect sense to them.

When Mary is twelve, Andrey stops coming to church. Instead of singing in choir, he slips out of the building and goes to the mall with his friends. Rebellion scares Mary. She doesn't know if their father knows about Andrey leaving, and she doesn't know if he would care. Andrey is never punished the same way Mary is. Julie still sleeps over Mary's house almost every weekend. Now, instead of telling her stories about recess and school lunch, Julie talks about boys. "I wish I had a boyfriend," Julie tells Mary. "Don't you?"  
"Yes, of course!" Mary doesn't.  
Julie shifts uncomfortably on the edge of Mary's bed. "I'm just worried about one thing," she admits. "What if I have a boyfriend and I don't know how to kiss him?"  
Mary has never really imagined herself kissing a boy. Now that she thinks about it, she realizes she wouldn't know how to either, if the opportunity arose. "Me too," she says.  
"Want to practice on each other?" Julie asks it casually, but Mary's heart pounds in her chest.  
Mary has never really imagined herself kissing a girl either, but that quick kiss with Julie keeps her up at night.


	4. Chapter 4

When Sonya is fourteen, Nikolai is 25. He asks her if she wants to be his girlfriend. She doesn't want to, but she tells him she does. After all, his family did take her in when they didn't have to at all. It's the least she can do. She feels her heart drop into her stomach whenever he grabs her hand. She convinces herself that this is called love. She writes in her diary that love can feel scary sometimes, but maybe that's how it's supposed to be. The Rostov parents don't know, but she doesn't think they would mind. She tells the girls at school that she has a boyfriend who has a real job and drives a car. They don't believe her until he picks her up from school. Once they believe her, they become jealous of her. How come such a shy, quiet girl has such a cool boyfriend? It's just not fair! For the first time ever, there is a legion of girls who each wish they were Sonya.  
Sonya does not wish this upon any of them.  
  
When Mary is fifteen, Julie moves away. Both of them cry for days on end when Julie finds out. Mary's house doesn't have a phone. "I'll write you letters, then," Julie tells her.  
Mary gets two letters from Julie, both within the month of her moving. She writes dozens, but her father keeps the stamps in his study, and she is not allowed in there without him. When she asks him for stamps, he tells her he can mail her letters for her. She has a sneaking suspicion that he hasn't posted any of them, and doesn't plan to. She cries almost every night now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have to make note to those who don't already know that sonya and nikolai Are together for a part of the book and while i really hate it, i wanted to see how i could put it into my own modern narrative. this age difference remains intact from the original, while other age differences from the book have been made smaller. i wanted to put emphasis on the fact that this relationship is like 50 kinds of messed up and i don't like support it in any way. please dont eat me alive for this goodbye


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longer chapter today! it's kinda weird, i apologize in advance. trigger warning for suicide attempt (and not the in-canon one, if that's what you're expecting)

When Sonya is fifteen, she realizes that what she feels with Nikolai is not love. She has no friends of her own, just his friends and their girlfriends. When one of the girlfriends helps Sonya with her makeup, Sonya is suddenly very aware of how nice she smells, and how beautiful her eyes are, and how cute her dimples are. And she's touching Sonya's face! Willingly! Sonya thinks about it for the rest of the day.  
Sonya begins to notice little things about girls everywhere--the way the girl in her math class tosses her hair, and how she smiles a tiny bit when she puts on her blush. Sonya thinks about kissing boys, and how their lips seem so... wrong. But kissing girls? When she thinks about it, girls seem so neat and clean and pretty. And then--why is she thinking that? She can't want to kiss girls. That can't be how any of this works. Right? And she could never tell Nikolai, not when she clearly makes him so happy. Maybe he'll get bored with her and leave her soon, anyway. It's possible.  
But he doesn't leave, and she doesn't tell him, even though she's pretty sure she isn't attracted to him. But maybe there are some boys she likes. She just hasn't met them yet. But that doesn't matter, because it feels like she'll be with Nikolai for the rest of her life.  
Sonya does a biography project on Virginia Woolf for school. She reads a letter from Woolf to the man she would later marry, "As I told you brutally the other day, I feel no physical attraction in you. There are moments—when you kissed me the other day was one—when I feel no more than a rock." Sonya reads this line over and over again. Something about it resonates with her.  
A few months later, Sonya takes a leaf out of Virginia Woolf's book. Natasha finds her in their room before Sonya can pour the pills out of the bottle. Natasha gasps, taking in sister and tears and pills and desperation all in one moment, pries the bottle out of Sonya's hand. Sonya is crying harder now, and Natasha is hugging her as tightly as she can, and all Sonya can say is, "Please don't tell on me."  
Natasha doesn't tell, but she doesn't let it happen again. Panicky, she asks Sonya what happened. Sonya won't tell her, which makes her even more panicky. Sonya wraps her arms around her sister. "Whatever it is," Natasha tells her, "it's never going to be so terrible I won't want you to tell me." They end the night sitting up, leaning against Sonya's headboard, drenched in tears and sisterly love. Natasha hides the bottle in her dresser drawer the next morning.

When Mary is seventeen, Andrey is in his second year of college, and brings a girlfriend home. Her name is Liza, and Mary can't take her eyes off her. Andrey tells Mary he's thinking about marrying Liza. "How long have you been together?" Mary asks him incredulously.  
"Long enough to know it's right," he replies.  
Having Liza in the house is kind of like having an older, bubblier version of Julie in the house. Liza tells Mary all about her life at school, and her friends from work, and her family. "Everyone thought I was dating my friend Armen," Liza tells her one day, "and we thought it was hilarious, because I have a boyfriend, and he's gay!"  
"He's what?" Mary asks.  
"He's gay. You know, he likes guys."  
"Oh. So he's... a homosexual?" Mary says the word slowly, cautiously.  
"Yeah! But like, no offense, people don't really use that word anymore."  
"Oh. Sorry, I just haven't heard it phrased any other way." Mary is quieter than usual for the rest of the day.  
Liza and Andrey get an apartment in the city, but visit when they can. Liza likes to kiss Mary's cheek in greeting. She doesn't notice Mary's flush every time she does it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! a few things i gotta say  
> 1\. i move in to school next weekend. i do have further chapters written, but just know i'm gonna be settling in and starting classes and stuff, so posting may be a little off. not that i've been posting in any kind of logical pattern in the first place, but u know.  
> 2\. i'm not sure if i've put my tumblr up on here before? but if u wanna follow me my url is poplar491.  
> 3\. if you're reading this i hope u have a great day! :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *logs into ao3 right before finals week* what's up i wrote another chapter of this back in september and then forgot about it for 7 months

When Sonya is sixteen, she and Nikolai start going to parties that he is too old for, and she is too young for. Natasha is only fourteen, and wishes she could come with. At first, Sonya wishes this too--she feels safer with her sister around--but later, is glad Natasha won't be around to see Nikolai drunkenly try to kiss her. Sonya doesn't drink or smoke--unless a pretty girl offers her something, and Sonya is too busy blushing to say no.  
One night, she and Nikolai walk by two girls kissing. Sonya tries not to stare. "That's fucking disgusting," Nikolai says, and quietly, in the same breath, "Pretty hot, though."  
Sonya wants to melt away into the floor.  
Some of these nights, Sonya comes home crying and scared. Some nights Natasha waits up for her, and some nights Sonya accidentally wakes her up. Some nights, Sonya will tell her bits and pieces of what happened that night, while Natasha listens intently, desperately wanting to go to a party like that. Sonya can never find the words to describe how scared she gets.

When Mary is eighteen, Andrey tells her that Liza is pregnant. Mary isn't as surprised as she'd like to be.  
When Mary is almost nineteen, she is surrounded by a baby nephew, a grieving brother, an ever-aging father, and every form of funeral wear known to humankind. Some days she doesn't want to get out of bed. She does anyway. Time moves on, even when she feels it hasn't any right to.  
Mary has her most intense argument with Andrey yet.  
Andrey is halfway out the door of their father's house when he tells her he plans on leaving the child with her, while he goes back to his apartment in the city. When Mary asks him why, he tells her, "It was what I was going to do anyway--leave him with Liza, and return to work as usual."  
"Andrey," Mary says quietly, cradling the baby in her arms, "did you ever plan on caring for him?"  
Andrey frowns. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean," Mary continues, more confidently, "did you think you could just... continue your work without having to be a father as well?"  
"Work is what a father does," Andrey responds dryly. "So yes, I did intend on being a father."  
"Liza carried this child inside her for nine months, and lost her life bringing him into the world. I'd say it's your turn to be a parent."   
Mary holds the baby out away from her. Andrey takes his son in his arms. It still feels unnatural to hold him. "Support his head!" Mary cries after a moment.  
"You're not being fair," Andrey tells her, ignoring her instruction. "What am I supposed to do? I'm alone now! I can't care for him and hold a job on my own. What did you expect me to do?"  
"You could have started by asking me before you tried to slip out the door. You could have asked me to come live in your apartment to take care of him while you worked. You wouldn't have to do it alone if you'd just come out and asked me. I want to help you raise him," Mary calmly holds out her arms to take the sniffling baby back, "but I will not let you leave him behind without a second thought--without discussing it with me first."  
Andrey passes the baby back to her. "What did you think would happen? Did you think you could just keep living your... your peaceful, quiet life here without lifting a finger to help me?   
"My life here is far from peaceful and quiet. You know that."  
"It's better than mine is shaping up to be. You know what, let me take him. I thought you wouldn't be a bitch about all of this, but I guess I was wrong!" Andrey's voice grows louder. "Oh, and by the way, did you think I'd let you leave Father here alone so you could come live with me in the city? I can't believe you, Mary! For someone who preaches compassion and selflessness, you sure seem selfish now!"  
Mary's lip trembles. "You know what?" she says calmly, trying to keep her voice from shaking, "If you don't want him, don't take him with you. I wouldn't want you raising him anyway--he'd end up being just like you."  
She turns around and heads down the hallway. Andrey shrugs and slams the door behind him.  
Over the years, Mary has perfected the silencing of tears, but she wails along with the infant tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the super long hiatus. hopefully once this semester is over i'll update more frequently! college sucks but like w/e i took a creative writing class so maybe future chapters will be better ? also i'm not super active on tumblr either but my url is now violatwelfthnight if u wanna give me a follow. anyway peace out y'all


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